My Whole Entire Life.

That pretty much sums it up. My little family is my whole entire life and I love them with every bit of my being. If nothing ever changed, if we never got a bigger and better house or cars, if we never got to travel anymore, if we never got to move back to Boise... everything would still be ok and I KNOW I could still love my life just as much as I do now because I have everything that is dear to me wrapped up in my little home.

I am so blessed to not only know the love a mother has for her children, the undying, all encompassing powerful adoration I have for my sons, but also the equally amazing, powerful, sweet, tender, passionate and...blissful love that Garrett and I have for each other.

Blessed is all I can think.

Today was...

One of those day's that you think you've suddenly been dropped off in someone elses life. You know when your half asleep and dilerious because you've been up all night (and I mean ALLLL night) with a teething baby, but your three year old doesn't know that when he decides to jump on your head at 6:30 in the morning and preceeded to pull out your hair (between him and Kellan I should be bald, literally Kellan eats so much of my hair I found it in his diaper, ok TMI I know sorry) and lick my face and then ask for everything he can imagine. I'm not sure if it makes it better or worse that Kellan sleeps in til 9:30 a.m. Better in the sense that despite Lander's abuse I still manage to doze off again, but worse in the fact that I'm reminded, I have two now and they will gang up on you, they will never go to sleep at the same time and wake up at the same time, when one is asleep the other will wake and vice versa.. and when Lander's not here Kellan ALWAYS wakes up by 7. So anyways back to my "this has become your life moment" I suddenly thought oh my gosh, wasn't I just a single college girl working her tushy off during the week and partying it up on the weekends? wasn't that just like-last week? how did it all happen, so much so fast?

The day normally gets better, today's did not, school has me stressed out and the lack of sleep didn't help. What did help, was this...

ok so this picture wasn't from tonight but you get the idea. My boys love bathtime and its pretty much the only time Lander play's with Kellan so it makes my heart melt... that and Lander saying "love you mommy sweet dreams" and even my fussy little Kellan who has woken up 4 times, I went in and nursed him and rocked him again and thought, I just need to cherish every minute that he needs me in his life, right now I am the most important person in his life (literally I feed him haha) and even though it hurts to admit it, it will never be that way again.. so, some times the reality of my life is incredibly overwhelming, but when you take it moment by moment, its all good.. :)

(*hopefully I am making some sense, I just finished a massive paper and completed my 8 week course and my eyes can't really focus and I feel a tad bit loopy, off to bed for me, only to be awoken/awaken? again haha)

An update... For any of those reading...

So September is here! For the second summer in a row I feel like I've gotten jipped out of a real summer and so I am not greeting fall with my normal appreciation of the season. Along with that I am back in school. I decided to get my Master's in Nursing/Midwifery... and now I've decided this is definately not the appropriate time to get it. I think I should just feel content with the fact that I have my B.A and I can come back to school when my children are in school. I am remembering a scene from sex in the city where the law firm Miranda works at is getting on her case about being tired and coming to work late and she responds something like "as far as the so and so case goes, Miranda Hobbes is kicking ass, where I'm doing a shitty job is at home." Thats exactly how I feel, I have an A+ and A in my classes so its not that I can't handle the school work its the fact that I feel like I'm letting my family and my children down and I'm just not okay with that.

Anyways, I think I'll take one last class next semester and then I'll put up my book bags until my last baby enters school!

On a different note... I went to Boise and took some pictures of my babies... heres some of my favorites..

I've said it before...

And I'll say it again. Why is it that 9 months of pregnancy drags on... and on... (and in my case) on and on, but as soon as they come out days turn into months and before you know it your newborn is three and your newest newborn is 4-almost 5 months old. With Lander it was saddening that it happened so fast, but honestly, he was a difficult baby, he never slept, he cried a lot and he had horrible allergies and I think the most frustrating thing in the whole world is when your child HAS a problem but no one can tell you exactly what it is, and when young children have allergies the best they can ever tell you is "wait it out and he will probably outgrow it" which he did... Kellan however, is angel baby, he is happy all the time, he pretty much sleeps through the night he loves to be cuddled-thats pretty much the only thing thats a "problem" with him, he wants to be held and loved all the time... so his rapid growth has put me into a tail spin... I can't stop panicing over the fact that he is growing sooooo fast. Its probably compiled with the fact that we will most likely only have one more child and I will be done with the baby stage forever. Why is this so wonderful for men? they can't WAIT until theyre older, I close my eyes and see my sons towering over me as teenager's and I literally feel like I cannot breath. I hope I get over this soon so I don't pass on my neurosis to my poor children, but its hard, everyday I spent with them is bittersweet and I just wish I could hit pause and have time to compose myself.

So... I am going to compose a list of all the wonderful things I can do with my big boys...

*We will be able to go on family vacations

*I can watch them get involved in sports or any activity's they want

*I can have more time to do things I like and not be a maid/human milk bar for the rest of my life... (trying to convince myself this is good :)

*The boys will be able to help me and do fun crafts

ugh I just pray that when we have our next baby I get that "I'm done feeling" cuz right now I don't feel it... or that they baby has colic lol just kidding.

My big babies..

Lander- 3 years

Kellan- 4 months

The conservative pair.

So. Yet again I got my hopes up thinking we would finally be able to get married this sept, on our two year anniversary. And yet again I had to wake up and be realistic. Garrett's parents have generously offered to pay for our honeymoon, but the $2500 still needed for the ceremony (which I seriously cut from my previous wedding plans) is just not a realistic goal by sept. If I had a few more extra months it would be possible, but that gets into winter, so we will have to wait until JUNE 2011.

I cried. I cried all day about this. and I have no idea why, I still have a great family and a wonderful fiance and nothing about "being married" will change us, but its something I desperately want and I can't really figure out why, just that its something my heart yearns for and it hurts that its going to be a whole year until its possible.

My friend sent me this, I laughed and cried at the same time... its totally gonna be us.

"The bride bent with age, Leaned over her caneHer steps uncertain need guiding.While down the church aisle with wan toothless smileThe groom in a wheelchair gliding.And who is this elderly couple thus wed?You'll find when you've closely explored it,That this is that rare, most conservative pairWho waited 'till they could afford it."

By Jack Taylor.(read this in Financial Turning Point)

Three sucks.

Three years old that is anyway. Lander whines... constantly, and when he's not whining he's screaming and crying. And that makes Daddy grumpy and this makes Mommy crazy. I'm glad he's taking naps easier again, because if he wasn't, I would go insane. Aside from the whining, the weather sucks, we get teased with one semi-nice day a week and then it gets all cold and windy and rainy again, which is just depressing.

Anyways, heres some recent pics of the kiddos...

Lander was gone for a week, in Boise, so I don't have as many pics of him, but heres my little man..

Success!?!?

*Crossing my fingers* but I *think* my tomato plants may have made it... they have survived a puppy, a three year old, being neglected in place of a newborn, and CRAZY pocatello wind/weather.... but here is some proof of all the love, sweat and tears I have poured into these little babies already...